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The Sad Reality Of A Christian Pick-Up Artist

The Sad Reality Of A Christian Pick-Up Artist

This is the story of a man who raged against the vagina and lost. A man whose erection died a thousand deaths, until all it had left was its God. But at its core, it’s the redemption tale of a man who went from sex predator to sex predator for the Lord. If you have any holes on you, you already know who I’m talking about: pick-up artist and author Don Diebel.

It’s important to me that you know this is a real person, and not some wacky character I invented for an SNL audition. This man is an actual author who wrote real books. Here is how he appeared in the actual June 1990 issue of real publication Texas Monthly:

Coming into the 1980s, Don Diebel’s only personality trait was sex. Whether he was out on the town or at home coyly staring the panties off you from white overalls with no shirt or muscle tone, Don made every interaction into penetration. You may look at his picture and think, “This guy? He looks like a Before picture in an Out Traveler control shampoo ad.” Sick burn, but don’t be fooled. He waged a four-decade crusade against unfilled orifices. Planned Parenthood nurses would call him the Baba Yaga.

Don, a leading Texas pussy vagrant, started off with the noble goal of teaching others how to swindle strangers out of sex. It’s a cause that would consume and ultimately destroy him, but at the age 33, Don didn’t know any of this. He only knew two things, and both of them were titties. With his thick, wavy hair going prematurely white — a totally-worth-it side effect of mustache ride friction — he wrote his first book on the thing he thought he did best: How To Pick Up Women In Discos.

Unfortunately, Don wasn’t as great with language as he was with nipple play. He wrote like a man who spent elementary school crushing ass instead of learning sentence structure. He made love like a dream, but when he typed, his commas limply flopped into the wrong spots like a porn actor who lied on his resume. Don Diebel is first and foremost a lover, and not at all any kind of second thing. No publisher wanted his manuscript.

To circumvent the literary world’s decency and taste, Don started his own publishing company. The newly founded Gemini Pub Co’s first book, How To Pick Up Women In Discos, became an instant critical and financial failure. What happened? Well, Don Diebel can only spell “pusy,” and he writes like eight of his fingers are trapped in a butt. Politics also played a part. It’s easy to forget that women in 1980 had to file taxes as “female livestock or lipstick storage equipment,” and they could still be arrested for removing the tuna from a Jell-O casserole recipe. Yet even during that era, Don’s book on “picking up” women was seen as sexist. So Diebel bounced back in 1982 with the more gently titled THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN. It was pretty much the same book.

Don still had issues with punctuation, grammar, and spelling, but you don’t buy a book like THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN because you have keen communication skills. You buy it because your swollen balls were in the bookstore shrieking, “Aargh! Try anything! Heeelp!” Here’s what’s crazy, though: This book is almost criminally wrong about how to approach women. Applying this book to your game is like adding anime rants and seven mouth sores to your game. If you’ve had sex fewer than 70 times, reading THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN legally restores your virginity. Let’s look at some excerpts (1982 first edition). All typos are Don’s.

The first chapter is mostly for fun. It describes the different types of women you’ll run into in the disco. Watch out for The Man-Hater! She’s a type of wildlife who only goes to singles bars to make mean faces at men asking for casual sex. You can skip most of this chapter, since if you use the techniques described in the book, you’ll find virtually all women fall into this category.

This section helps establish some of the rules for the ladies. If you make eye contact with Don Diebel, then great. Enjoy the moistest night of your life. And if you make the mistake of not accepting his penis, the least you could do is give honest but fair notes on what he and it could have done better.

Stay where you are, though, silent and alert. Don will have some questions and arguments, followed by several sexual offers of reduced intimacy, such as “handjob” or “eat your ass.” Wait for him to fully complete his exit interview before going home. If you do remain in the club, you tease, return to Don often, and a bit hornier if you don’t mind, for up to ten last chances. Don understands this can be inconvenient, but it’s what you signed up for when you brought a vagina with you outside.

So let me get this straight, Don. You spend your afternoons looking for the least interesting alcoholic in Houston’s Holiday Inn bars, and you’re willing to be slapped and humiliated for the desperate, minuscule chance to destroy an already sad person’s marriage. And after years of this, you think, “I should write an advice book to help others avoid this tragic life. Wait. No, the opposite.” This whole book is like getting advice from the world champion of diarrhea speed eating.

Judging by the advice he gives, Don considers a woman not taking a swing at him to be a sexual conquest. His approach is to take the tact of a subway masturbator, combine it with the charm of a subway masturbator, then remove all self-awareness. So yes, of course it seems like topless dancers are “easy lays” to him. When he talks to a woman in literally any other line of work, she calls the police before he says a second thing.

It’s important to note that Diebel thinks he invented trying to fuck strippers. This will be a recurring theme in his books, along with another overlooked source of eligible bachelorettes:

With this level of relentless pursuit, I have to wonder how Don managed to stay single. I’d ask one of his former lovers about it, but this entry makes me think I’d need a team of dogs and a shovel to find one.

Women, this is going to sound like obvious advice after you hear it, but find yourself a man who can list nine different swingers magazines before he even gets to the mediocre ones.

Whether it’s Carl Sagan or Neil deGrasse Tyson, a good science communicator finds ways to take complicated, expansive concepts and translate them into conversational language. Others, such as Don Diebel, might ramble for 57 words about untested neuroscience instead of suggesting “Point at your dick?”

Shout out to 1982’s Barbara, who managed to have the most uncomfortable line in a panty sniffer’s How To Date-Rape book. This was your chance to help people, and you really blew it, Barbara. I don’t know why I’m lecturing you, though. You’ve probably been dead 30 years, and your entire eulogy was just your bartender telling a coroner, “Yeah, I think that’s Britney.”

If a lady isn’t having a good time at a party where a man is leaning against a wall pointing at his dick, it’s probably because she’s sitting too far away to see. Move in close, wiggling your fingers around your genitals as necessary. If her eyesight is especially bad, here is how you say “I’M POINTING AT MY DICK” in Braille:

Haha wait, what? Fucking what, Don Diebel? This is a complete reversal of what you were saying last page. I’d hate to find out I became registered as a sex offender in 19 states by following the advice of a guy who was so full of shit he couldn’t even keep his own wisdom straight. Oh, great. Now you’ve got me writing GOP slogans.

Well, yeah. Duh. I have a boner, Don, not a passion for sorcery.

Don Diebel, if masturbation fantasies were forced by universal law to come true, we would all be hunky detectives investigating erotic mysteries with Shannon Tweed. Every few hours, we would suddenly find ourselves buried in confusing piles of our stepmother’s pantyhose. You can’t conjure things by fantasizing about them really hard. And if you could, the least imaginative seventh-grader would occupy the free time of every hot girl in the world. Don Diebel, listen. You can literally look down at your own lonely, unwelcome dick to know none of this is true, Don.

THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN continues like that for a while, going into great detail on how to hypnotize yourself to be more seductive and offering beginner hygiene tips to avoid being a dealbreaker at orgies. The book was, by any measure, a humiliating disaster. His eager, virgin dong still had more to teach, but cracks were starting to form in Don Diebel’s fragile soul.

It had been eight years since the release of THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN, and the book only became popular in one community: district attorneys presenting evidence in rape trials. But Don had an idea that could turn his literary career around — an idea most people would call embarrassing. It was a pick-up artist book written by a man, but for, get this, ladies.

It’s worth noting that the two-time failed author whose advice on hitchhikers was “try to fuck them” was now describing himself on book jackets with “Don Diebel — World famous writer, author, lecturer, dating consultant, TV and radio personality, astrologer, has helped thousands of lonely hearts win at the game of love with his phenomenal best-sellers.”

FINDING MR. RIGHT: A Woman’s Guide To Meeting Men was an ambitious project to take female victims and sexually aggressive disco creeps and swap their brains. If it worked, it would be the greatest breakthrough in free vagina since Donald Trump had a daughter. And if it didn’t, Don Diebel would just look like a lonely idiot whose greatest ambition was to get away with sexual assault — the exact thesis of his last book. Let’s see how things worked out. Once again, all typos and grammatical errors have been respectfully left in.

The first chapter is mostly for fun. It describes the different types of men you’ll run into in the nightclub. Watch out for The Woman-Hater! He only came here to get cranky when women offer him- hold on, this sounds way too familiar. Did he … no. No, he couldn’t have. There’s no way.

Oh, holy shit. This is … oh, holy shit. Don’s book on helping ladies find romance is just THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN, word for word, with the genders switched. This maniac actually knows so little about women that he thinks he can search-and-replace pronouns in a pussy-grabbing handbook and it will work as woman’s guide to finding love. That’s … that’s the most sexist thing but also somehow the least sexist thing I’ve ever heard.

When I realized he rewrote the same book (again), only with different pronouns, I thought, “OK, but he’s going to take out the section on banging hitchhikers, right?” He fucking didn’t! All he did was add three sentences to assure the eager female reader that while it is dangerous, she still has at least a 51 percent chance of surviving sex in her car with a destitute drifter. But before you jump on that “golden opportunity,” girls, keep in mind that these statistics are only the casual speculation of a lonely man who dreams of one day porking a hitchhiker. They are not official numbers from a census of highway stabbing incidents.

If you’re luring junkie male strippers home with cocaine, you’re operating at the very highest level of finding Mr. Right and Don Diebel can teach you no more. You started as a sad woman with a book and an unused lap. Now you have a man who loves your cocaine and cares about your cocaine, but who needs to leave soon to rub his balls on a birthday party. And he will remain faithful to you until the very moment a different person has cocaine. On behalf of all women and everyone who believes in true love, thank you, Don Diebel.

Maybe I didn’t give Don enough credit for his ability to adjust to feminine thinking. He made a few changes other than search-replacing the pronouns in his manual for beginner sex predators. For instance, in the male version of the book, the astrology section was about tricking gullible women into your home to pretend to do astrology. In the female version, there’s a bit of astrology.

One chapter of the female version of his book was four pages about where you can meet horny rich men. This replaced a chapter for the men devoted to infiltrating swinger communities. He may not be a smart man, but Don has been kicked out of enough orgies to know that women prefer cash prizes to group sex.

When FINDING MR. RIGHT: A Woman’s Guide To Meeting Men — the female reboot of the previous reboot of an unpublishable book — didn’t work out, Don knew he had to innovate. His keen mind, honed by years of imagining vulvas, thought: “What if there was a collection of pages that contained the names, locations, and phone numbers of businesses!?” He then published THE HOUSTON ENTERTAINMENT AND Dating GUIDE: WHERE TO GO AND WHAT TO DO FROM A TO Z

This joyless list of business hours and addresses contained 100 pages, eight grainy photos, and several short descriptions of what things like art galleries and senior citizen centers are as basic concepts. If you were in the Houston area in the early ’90s and wished the Yellow Pages were harder to navigate and written by a pervert, it made the perfect gift. Unfortunately, this was not a large enough group of people to make the book a hit.

So after publishing one pick-up artist book three different ways and one Houston Yellow Pages spec script, Don spent eight years coming up with his realest idea yet. It was a book about picking up chicks, but focusing on the only part he’d ever experienced: the opening line.

In 1999, at the age of 52, Don Diebel published 1001 Best Pick-Up Lines: Sure-fire Opening Lines For Meeting, Attracting, and Seducing Women. On the book jacket, he described himself as “America’s #1 Singles Expert and one of the nation’s leading experts on dating and relationships.” He was back and doing what he did best: creating awkward situations between a handful of sad men and their book store clerks, then nothing fucking close to anything else.

Fun fact: The book was also published on CD-ROM, but instead of featuring a hot chick getting seduced in a bar, Don used clip art of what seems to be a hospitality worker explaining to a passenger that his mother just fell off the back of the cruise ship. A strange choice, and also one irrelevant to anything I’ll be discussing! Let’s take a look inside:

Women love honesty, but they also love mystery, which makes this a perfect line, because she will find this honesty very mysterious. And then you have her right where you want her, engaging in the sensual game of cat and mouse that is seduction. She’s thinking, “Did this elderly man really fuck a breach into his blow-up doll, or does he have a poor sense of humor and no judgement?” and you’re thinking, “LICK HER TOES, COWARD. NO, MOTHER, I MUSTN’T! LICK HER TOES, COWARD.”

At first this seems like innocent wordplay, but it’s so much more. This line subliminally recreates that erotic feeling that only exists between the moment you open a Valentine’s Day card from a child and the moment you place it in the trash. She will be overwhelmed with a sense of predictable, expected disappointment.

If you built a robot to package toothpaste and it left the factory to go house to house tearing the teeth from every mouth it found, it would be better at its job than this line is at picking up women.

This one isn’t bad, Don, but the default human greeting seems a bit obvious for a book promising “Sure-fire opening lines for meeting, attracting, and seducing women” from “America’s #1 Singles Expert.” This is kind of like including “milk” in a cookbook, or “none” in The Comprehensive Guide To Vaginas Don Diebel Has Actually Seen.

“Because if you are, your pizza, pastas, and zeal for life really plumb my koopas. And lasagna? I’m sorry, no woman has ever let me talk this long. I- aaaaaaahhhhh I’m! Is this? I-I’m CUMMMING!!!!”

This is such an amazing combination of stupid, confusing, and pathetic that I think Don has given up trying to seduce ladies and now he’s simply searching for the secret cheat code to turn off a woman’s nervous system. There is one good thing about this pick-up line, though: If the club is too noisy for her to hear you, you can communicate the exact same thing by sadly holding out a condom while your own pants fill with pee. Which, if I’m not mistaken, is the Diebel family crest.

This opening line can really move things along, but it only works on Alzheimer’s patients who are willing to have sex with the men they think are their children.

No, she’s still not Italian, Don. Are you fucking stupid? Why did you write a book promising 1,001 conversation starters if the only nine honest conversations you can have are about swingers magazines? Don, when your pick-up lines are so dull you can’t remember them from earlier on the same fucking page of your own book, how are they going to work on the real women laughing at the little mustache you grew to hide your chimpanzee lips? How many times will you ask them if they’re Italian while they’re telling the bouncer you were smelling their bar stools? A million dollars says the closest you’ve ever come to actual sex is when you found a pizza pocket in your swimming trunks. You miserable fuck, Don Diebel.

While she’s lubricating from your Laffy Taffy cleverness, follow this line up with “That counts! You all saw! FIRST BASE FOR DIEBEL! Ow! Stop! OK, I’m leaving! I, HEY! I’m entitled to a phone call! I need to tell my mother I met a girl!”

Let’s imagine this in a best-case scenario. Let’s say this woman alone at the bar has no defenses against aggressive perverts. Let’s say she believes there was a fart and that it wasn’t you, Don Diebel, the man giving local fart updates to strangers. Say she abandons her drink and runs outside with the obvious pervert screaming about farts. Does this seem reasonable, Don? Because we’re not done.

Don, you seem to think a woman’s mood can be manipulated with suggestion and imperceptible body language. If that’s true, and we’re just playing games now because it isn’t, wouldn’t it work in the opposite direction? Don’t you think running up to her with a butt smell emergency might undo the 40 seconds you spent trying to get her to look at your dick? By your own science, you’ve implanted yourself in her subconscious as the bar-clearing fart guy, Don. And no one steps out on their husband with the bar-clearing fart guy.

Of course this guy has a feet thing. Jesus Christ, Don, at this point you might as well ask for her address and if it’s OK for you to keep any Maxi Pads she throws out.

This isn’t how meeting people works or how licking people works. The nicest thing anyone has ever said about Don Diebel is this quote I wrote for the back of his next book: “Don Diebel’s direct, slobbery approach to picking up women saves everyone time! Most sexual predators hide their dark intentions behind charm until it’s far too late!”

You probably know this is the desperate act of a sex criminal and wouldn’t work. If you did this one million times, you would see zero boobs and be the least popular man in prison. This is like writing a book on finance and suggesting, “Sell a stolen bike for $50 million! (Someone out there might actually do it. Billionaires are noted eccentrics.)” And don’t fucking forget, Don Diebel wrote this when he was a 52-year-old man. That’s almost 40 years past puberty, and he still cannot even imagine what it would look like if a woman said a second thing to him.

There’s no way anyone is this bad with women. If you told me this book was a marketing scheme created by the pepper spray industry, I would pretend I knew it all along.

Is that true, women? Call the police for “no,” and dry heave for a more comical “no.”

I’ve made fun of a lot of the stuff in this book, but this one is just good writing. It’s effective, too. Approaching a woman as if you have an emergency and then revealing you’re only a horny idiot works in any situation. For instance, if you’re at the DMV, say, “You crazy bitch, I know you took my cat!” Then I wait six, maybe seven beats, and finish, “…alog for big penis rubbers. Hi, are you Italian? Can Italians catch herpes on their feet?”

Let the record show: America’s #1 Singles Expert suggests, in his chapter on daddy-themed pick-up lines, that you should tell a woman her dad makes you horny with a trumpet pun.

If hundreds of miracles simultaneously take place and you find yourself in a relationship with the woman you say this to, this opening line will torment her every moment. At night, she will lay awake remembering how you introduced yourself. She’ll think about it when you’re inside her. She’ll go onto pervert forums and trumpet subreddits, desperately looking for answers. “My lover said my father must play the trumpet because he sure does make him horny. Please, what does it mean?” You couldn’t say anything more hauntingly unappealing if you walked up to a stranger and asked to slide your cold hands into her tits.

Oh, come on. Fuck your frigid soul, Don Diebel. You would lick a hole into an old shoe if you thought a female garbage collector touched it.

This book contains an entire chapter of Beavis And Butthead pick-up lines. Not similar in theme to Beavis And Butthead, but direct quotes and references to the cartoon. I don’t have a joke about that; I just want you to know it exists.

Don also included a chapter specifically about picking up topless dancers with lines like “What’s your real name?” and, I swear to God this is a line in its entirety, “Show me your bush!” He suggests saying, “Don’t you get tired of all these horny men with their brain between their legs?” on the same page as, “Don’t you get tired of being around all these drunks and horny men acting like a bunch of idiots?” Most of the other lines are different ways you can shame her and her filthy job.

Don Diebel is absolutely the lonely man in the strip bar earnestly seeking a human relationship. If you asked any stripper to list the cliches this type of man says, she could write, word-for-word, Don Diebel’s chapter on picking up topless dancers. As he went into the year 2000, Don was a 53-year-old man offering sex to sex workers with all the allure of a cockroach feeding on Charlie Sheen’s blood. And things didn’t get much better in the next decade.

The 2000s were a slow time for Diebel’s publishing. His first five books were the dark fantasies of a monster too sheepish to go through with a real kidnapping. He was a second penis on the only panda in a zoo — useless in ways too obvious and depressing to get into.

Dwell magazine did an interview with him, not as a pick-up artist, but as a lamp expert. Apparently, they saw an article on his website about romantic lighting, and thought he would be the perfect expert to review three modern lamps. Each of his reviews were the incoherent ramblings of someone you would only describe as a non-lamp-expert, but that’s not important. What’s important is it revealed Don Diebel had a website, and it’s exactly what you’d expect.

It’s called Getgirls.com, and it sells sex cologne, romance cassettes, and his stupid goddamn books. And these are not products for presentable men looking to enhance their desirability — Getgirls.com is totally banking on you having several crippling emotional disorders and facial defects. His approach to women is 100 percent “You’re barely slime, so why not try groveling and titty-grabbing.” Here’s a screenshot:

Getgirls.com’s products are designed to turn unwilling women into sex partners, which is strange, because it’s the one thing the site’s creator has plainly never done. It sells pheromone perfume for inventive rapists and hypnosis tapes for horny magicians. But selling snake oil for inflatable-doll-scented penises wasn’t as successful as you might imagine, so Don tried one last time to write a book on scoring babes. Let’s talk about 2009’s 200 Guaranteed Ways To Succeed With Women: Everything You Need To Know On How To Meet, Date, And Attract Women.

This book is pathetic, yes, but not like the others. This one mostly focuses on how to deal with the overwhelming depression that comes with being Don Diebel. It’s less a guide to crushing ass and more of a training manual for a crisis hotline volunteer. The entries are self-help mantras like “Cure for the blues (#10)” and “How to be happy (#14),” which take up less than a whole page put together. And #30 is just “How to eat Italian food,” with a couple of tips on table manners. But let me tell you about #29. Oh, holy shitting fuck, #29.

Imagine the erotic memoirs of a 62-year-old virgin who never learned to write and still isn’t sure which of the blobs is the mons pubis. That’s what I’m about to show you. The 29th Guaranteed Way to Succeed with Women is called “My date from hell,” and it’s an un-proofread account of Don Diebel’s greatest sexual triumph:

One of the reasons Diebel’s pick-up lines are so bad is that half-naked women jump on him before he can practice them. And if you’re thinking none of this happened, which of these two scenarios is more likely?

A: A sad man with a history of bad ethics falsifies an unverifiable and unlikely story in which he’s highly motivated to lie.

B: The hottest girl, like, ever gets into a vehicle alone with a non-handsome elderly man as he’s trying to drive over sunbathers.

C: Oh, you weren’t expecting a C, ladies? It was to catch you off-guard so I could subliminally end this sentence with three sexually charged words penis, butt, penis. Hi, I’m Seanbaby, and I’ve read all of Don Diebel’s books. Show me your bush.

Assuming this date really happened (and aren’t we being cute), Don offered to drive Hot Bikini Girl to his place. She agreed, but instead of a wild night of romance, they discovered Don left his dog home alone with no water while he was cruising for hard bodies. It was comatose from dehydration. This means in an imaginary story wherein Diebel controls every detail, he nearly murders his own dog and can’t close the deal with the loose stranger who came to his house for sex. But don’t give up yet. We’re not even close to done.

OK, so Don Diebel killed his dog, but not before it got way more action from his date than he did.

Despite the loss of his best friend, Don was still in the mood for love. Obviously, he could drive back to the beach to find a replacement hot girl, maybe even one who hadn’t watched a dog die on her own mouth that afternoon. But Diebel was going to finish what he started — he took the same girl to dinner, on a helicopter tour of the city, to a nightclub, and then to the pier, his beloved dead companion still lingering on her breath.

None of the date was going well. She flirted with other men, Don picked a fight with her, and she jumped into a lake and nearly died. “I was pissed,” remembers Don. But you don’t get to be America’s #1 Singles Expert by giving up easily. Don took the wet girl he hated back to his house, where he planned to have meaningless sex mere feet from a bag of dog food to go forever uneaten. Instead, this happens:

That was quite an adventure, right? It’s obviously — OBVIOUSLY — not true, but all good lies have elements of truth in them. So, Houston police, there’s a really good chance Don is describing the time he killed his dog, drugged a woman, and threw her body in a lake. The only part of the story I 100 percent believe is that Don couldn’t get laid even with the world’s sluttiest girl over the course of eight location changes.

Don reprinted this story on a self-help(!) website, and I really encourage speculative fiction fans to go read it in its entirety: My Date From Hell. But do that later, because we’re about to enter the 2010s, the decade when Don Diebel truly lost his entire mind.

With the forgettable 200 Guaranteed Whatevers To Disappoint Your Erection behind him, Don had to reach deep into his vulva-haunted brain for an original idea. He didn’t find one. He published 100 Best Places To Take A Date, with ideas like “miniature golf” and “pizza.” It was a dickless shadow of an idea already written by thousands of history’s dumbest, least imaginative writers and made long obsolete by phone books. Diebel’s inspirations were as drained as the balls of a man who seductively screams “Show me your bush!” at topless dancers.

Fun Fact: This is the actual copy of 100 Best Places to Take a Date sent to me by Don Diebel. It came with a homemade label, no case, and an advertisement for a CD on dominating pussy no longer in stock. Wait, out of stock? You’re an old man burning CD-ROMs in his apartment. How does that supply chain get disrupted? Was there some kind of button shortage on your mouse? Did your assisted living nurse throw out the floppy disk that had dom_pu~1.wpd on it? This last one isn’t a joke but a real guess: did you get banned from Radio Shack for attempted rape? I guess my point is, Don Diebel isn’t good at anything.

Destroyed by the soul-crushing realization that he was out of ideas for seducing women, he gave up and wrote what might be the loneliest book title since Single Player Rules for Fallout: The Board Game. Here it is:

Don Diebel was alone in a universe where ass no longer held meaning. The Easy Way To IMPROVE YOUR GOLF WITH S/A GOLF HYPNOTISM took the same self-hypnosis nonsense Don was using 35 years earlier to psych himself up for a poontang hunt and adapted it for golf. For a professional chick hound, it was like finally turning a dead husband’s den into a sewing room. It was like tattooing DO NOT RESUSCITATE on your dick and smothering it with a pillow. It was Don Diebel concluding that he would never learn if the Masters of the Universe Horde Slime Pit Playset actually did feel like a real-life blowjob. Diebel was fucking done.

No. Not yet. With a dusty cough, Don Diebel’s groin rose from the grave. There had to be one last thing he could try, one last light to cling to. And then Don realized the secret to pussy was right in front of him all along: the majesty of Jesus Christ. Or as he put it in the intro to his next book:

This would sound a bit absurd coming from anyone else, but if Don Diebel is hearing another voice in his bed, it can only be coming from Jesus Christ. Unfortunately, this idea God gave him for a book sucked, and Don’s newfound lord and savior was an even worse editor. They say He’s infallible, but He couldn’t get through the second sentence of the introduction before missing a this typo. Other philosophers have said this before me, but checkmate, all religion.

This book is desperate groveling on a cosmic, spiritual level. It is a whisper in the darkness pleading for someone, anyone to send Don Diebel a butt to touch. It’s a man complaining to the creator of all things for giving women a choice in their sex partners. Let me show you what I’m talking about:

Nothing is a more perfect Bible quote for Don Diebel’s dating life than one about staying strong in the face of rejection and getting help from your hand.

About a quarter of the book is Bible verses loosely related to rejection and loneliness, but the majority of it is things like this, dating advice rewritten in the form of prayer. Don will call up Jesus and say things like, “Please help me make sure my body language is sexually suggestive and that I have an air of self-assured confidence because ladies love that. In your name I pray, Amen.” So in a way, it’s a very sad Don Diebel typing out his prayers. In another way, it’s a very confident pick-up veteran telling Jesus Himself how to score pussy.

You sad bitch. Your body language advice used to be “point at your dick.” Now it’s “pretend you’re holding a guy’s hand?” Don, you are 70 years old, and you’re still trolling nightclubs for ass? You can’t call any of your countless former lovers to see if their self-esteem is still low enough to watch your partial erection flutter? I’m starting to think it was shortsighted to introduce yourself to every woman by offering to lick the pool water off her feet.

As sad as this prayer is, it gets sadder. It’s reprinted one page later in the exact same section, word for word. At this point, Don has given up on Jesus sending him single women and would be fine with Jesus sending him the tools to cope with depression. Don, you’re a septuagenarian sex book author who never learned where commas or penises go. How about you stop nagging Jesus for the impossible and thank Him for inspiring you to fill that puppet’s mouth with anal lubricant?

For decades, this man has destroyed every relationship he’s had by immediately checking if she’s the legendary woman who gives out free sex to everyone brave enough to ask. And here is what it led to: Don Diebel, after authoring ten books on scoring chicks, is begging Jesus for a girl in a prayer that sounds like it was written by a third-year third-grader. Failure isn’t a big enough word, and Hitlerfailure hasn’t been invented yet. Don’t feel sorry for Don, though. This is, without exception, the future every woman he’s met starting in 1980 has warned him about. The tragic story of Don Diebel is only surprising because we’re not used to such obvious, twistless endings.

I’ve learned a lot by reading Don Diebel’s books. I’ve learned that you can’t shove your nuts into the night and call it “meeting women.” Now and always, you have to treat women with respect, and loop your thumbs in your belt so your fingers point at your own dick, creating a subliminal message those confused drunk sluts can’t resist. And if that doesn’t work, Plan B is Jesus.

With this victory, Seanbaby is the new America’s #1 Singles Expert. You can follow him on Twitter and play his hit mobile game Calculords.

Ladies, if you encounter a Don Diebel out there, here’s a link to some pepper spray.

If you loved this article and want more content like this, support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-sad-reality-christian-pick-up-artist/

This Is How Novembers Full Moon Is Already Affecting You, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

This Is How Novembers Full Moon Is Already Affecting You, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

Cataloged in Astrology

This Is How November’s Full Moon Is Already Affecting You, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

On November 23rd there will be a significant event lighting up the night sky. This is the full moon of November known as the Beaver Moon or even the Frost Moon. According to the beliefs of our ancestors, this astrological appearance can provide us with the support we need in order to continue our development in the physical world and to strengthen our connections in the spiritual one. For ancient pagans, the month of November meant the beginning of a new year. Since November follows Samhain, known now as Halloween, it seems to make sense. So, this month should be used to shed the toxicity from our lives such as harmful habits and unhealthy relationships which have been holding us back for far too long. And, as long as we trust in its power, the full moon is here to help us through this crucial transition.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

While this full moon will be intensifying everyone’s temper and mood swings, yours will be surprisingly at their lowest. You will be up for conversations and what’s more, you will have the patience needed for them. Therefore, during this full moon, you should take all of this chill energy and channel it into making the transition of those around you a little bit easier.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Your finances will definitely see a spike during this moon phase. Finally, a slow financial situation will end and you will have enough resources to pursue some plans you have been thinking about for a very long time. However, you need to be careful and make sure you do not spend it all too quickly. We all know that Taurus is the fanciest of the zodiac signs.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

This Beaver Moon is entirely for you to enjoy, Gemini. Since it rises in your sign, you have to honor of reaping most of its rewards. During this time, you should give yourself a well-deserved break and engage in some self-care. But, do not take this opportunity just to focus on the outside self. This is your chance to make some changes on the inside as well. It’s time to let go and welcome a brand new you.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Intuition will become your middle name during this lunar phase. Your senses will be exceptionally heightened and you will be able to decipher some mysteries that you have not been given access to until now. But, important clues will not come to you only from the physical world, but also from the spiritual one. So, it’s best to make a note of what symbols you encounter during your dreams as well.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

At last, Leo, this full moon will show you exactly what your path in life is. You will feel inspired enough to take an important step you have been contemplating and doubting for some time. Whether it is a career decision or a romantic one, you can find some relief in knowing that your back is fully covered and that the Beaver Moon is investing all of its energy into helping you.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

For too long you have been wandering with no sense of purpose. But, you can breathe easily now because November’s full moon will offer the guidance and direction you have been needing for so long. Whichever obstacles you thought may be in your way, they are definitely gone now. And, you have the full moon to thank for that.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Unfortunately, during this moon phase you will be surrounded by conflict or rather attempts to get you involved in some negative conversations which will in no way end well. You are the least confrontational of the zodiac and you need to remember this, especially now. Try and keep to yourself and do your best to not get sucked into anyone else’s bad vibes.

Scorpio (October 22 – November 21)

This is the most opportune time for reflection and letting go of the past. Only by doing that, you will be able to totally reinvent yourself and become the person you have always aspired to be. But, the full moon cannot help you unless you truly allow it to. It’s essential to keep in mind that most of the power lies only within you.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Sadly, it’s not the best time for you as this November moon will not help you focus and that will likely lead to a lot of misunderstandings. But, now that you are aware of this, you can be extra mindful of your words and work harder to resolve any relationships that might suffer from this lack of attention on your part.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Keep your eyes open and stay alert because a lot of information is heading your way whether you like it or not. It doesn’t matter if it concerns sexual relationships, financial matters, or darker themes such as death and rebirth. What matters most is that it is definitely worth having access to these insights. After all, knowledge is power.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Well, aren’t you a lucky one, Aquarius? Out of all the signs you will experience a lot of love during this moon phase. If you are already romantically committed this is the time for your love to be reborn and the fire to be reignited. However, if you find yourself single and ready to mingle, then rest assured because the stars are ever in your favor.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

This month’s full moon knows that you have been craving affection and more quality time with your family. So, it is willing to give you the opportunity to do just that. This is because this luminary is aware that you are the sweetest and most sensitive of all the signs, and without love and tenderness you cannot thrive in your life.

Read more: https://thoughtcatalog.com/ioana-scholler/2018/11/this-is-how-novembers-full-moon-is-already-affecting-you-based-on-your-zodiac-sign

Astrology and Healing Newsletter December 2018: Soul Realignment

Astrology and Healing Newsletter December 2018: Soul Realignment

Michael Conneely

Welcome to the Astrology and Healing Magazine
for December 2018.

Maggie Pashley brings you news about healing and empowerment through the very helpful powerful method of Soul Realignment.
And Michael Conneely gives you very useful information about the planetary energies we will be encountering in December 2018.

MAGGIE BEST JUNE 16First of all, here’s Maggie with Soul Realignment:

Soul Realignment – How aligning with your soul’s energy can be the key to success and happiness. Soul realignment helps us to understand ourselves at a deep level soul level. It helps us become aware of those choices that bring us into alignment with our soul’s energy and those things that take us out of alignment, that drain our energy, cause us to struggle through life, feel confused and frustrated. Most of all it offers really practical help at the actions we can take to bring us back into alignment.

So what is involved? You simply provide basic birth data to me and give me permission to access your soul’s record in the akashic records, allowing me to do research on your behalf and then we arrange an on-line or phone session where I go through my findings with you. Think of the akashic records as a huge on-line database, in some ways similar to the internet, which contains all the information about you at soul level.

I then look at your soul profile – the energies that you were designed to work with, which are your gifts to bring to the world, your soul group and your current level of awareness.  This tells you which actions are going to support you and align you with your soul’s energies and which are negative for you because they pull you out of alignment. I also look at karmic patterns affecting you. These are negative choices that you have made at some point, either in this lifetime or a past lifetime and which have created programs that are still running and affecting you.

What is presented to me is what you are able to clear in this present moment and I first do a clearing on your behalf before the session which is then activated by your engagement during the session itself. I also give you homework to do to reinforce the clearing work. Don’t let the word homework put you off as it’s very simple, enjoyable and empowering and does not take much time.

However, the most important thing is that you begin to take action in the physical world in line with what we have discussed during the session. The clearing itself gives you more energy and inspiration to begin to make those choices but it is those choices, however small, that are in alignment with your soul’s energy that make all the difference.

A soul realignment session can give you a greater sense of purpose, an appreciation of yourself, and motivate you to express more of your divine nature. It can release you from energy drains either from past choices or from current choices. It can also give you more energy and inspiration because you naturally receive more energy from your soul when there are fewer blocks. It is not like that energy wasn’t always available, it is that we were not able to receive it.

Clients I have worked with have found their session very empowering and energising. Feedback is generally along the lines of having more clarity, more motivation and inspiration to take action. Clients have found it very encouraging and often surprising to hear about their particular gifts, as often we take them for granted, or we can invest so much energy in trying to express ourselves in ways that aren’t really ours.

If you’re curious to find out more about being aligned with your soul’s energy,  then visit my website page: www.maggiepashley.com/soul-realignment or email Maggie at maggiepashley@gmail.com or call her on +353 899799642 That’s 0899799642 from within Ireland.

And now, Michael Conneely gives you useful information about the planets in December 2018: A great opportunity for perception, for insight and for understanding – for strategizing your life, and for going for  healing and empowerment as well.

My aim in this Newsletter, is to provide a map of the energies that our souls, our minds and our bodies will be navigating in this December 2018, and beyond into very big energies that are massing for the first half of 2019.

It helps to be advised of what’s coming.

When necessary, it helps to be warned.

Make a note of energies that you think you and your mind or your life will especially find challenging or rewarding to navigate.

Be prepared! Ask for blessings. Be kind. Manage your energies. Answering the question: ‘Why is this happening to me?’ is crucial.
Let’s start with Neptune.
Neptune went direct on 26th November 2018. See the Western and Vedic Astrology Ephemeris images at the foot of this blog for details of all planet movements in December 2018.
And you can see that Neptune is still at 19 deg Vedic Aquarius (13 to 14 deg Western Pisces)
And the thing is: the slower a planet’s motion, the stronger its energy, the deeper it carves its energy into our consciousness, into our lives.

Positively, Neptune is vision, intuition and sensitivity. Negatively it’s deception, illusion, delusion, alcohol etc.

So my point is that we are being offered the chance to really have to see things clearly now. Then we can act to reject the deceptive energy; we carry on with it at our peril.

Then we can properly embrace the visionary energy. And remember, Neptune’s effect is especially strong if he’s transiting conjunct your ascendant (or other chart angle) or conjunct one of your planets, or if he’s transiting opposition to one of your planets
See my Neptune Video:

Check out how this very powerful slow-moving Neptune energy interacts with the planets in your chart. This can give  very useful perception and allow you to take useful action.

Uranus is slowly retrograding from 5 to 4 deg Vedic Aries, in impatient but potentially Healer Nakshatra: Ashwini (That’s Uranus transiting retrograde from 29 – 28 deg Aries in Western Astrology).
Now, Uranus is the lightning spear of revolution. It calls us to smash our old confining structures and embrace our more inspired self.
But we are talking Uranus Retrograde here since 9th August, and so the call is also to consolidate the revolution you brought in when Uranus was transiting direct from January 2018.
Look back and see what big changes you have brought in: are they now grounded and consolidated? And also, do please check out if you resisted any needed big changes!!!!
See my Uranus Video:

And please take note that Uranus is transiting opposition Venus in the Heavens at this time.
Check out how this lightning inspirational, though potentially inhuman energy, interacts with your individual chart.

Transiting Neptune and Uranus in your Life:
Of course, it is important to look within yourself and check out what are these two transits of Neptune and Uranus doing in your life?
What is their message for your sense of who you are?
How you have to run your job? Etc.
Be open to the need to revamp the different facets of your life due to the insight energies being delivered to your now by transiting Uranus and Neptune.
Sit down and really take stock!

Now we come to something huge: the Pluto, Saturn and Ketu Conjunction:
Something’s really vast is gathering!
Look at the chart for 1st December 2018: see that the Saturn Pluto conjunction is forming ever firmer as the weeks go by.
chart for 1st December 2018




Next, look at the chart for 11th April 2019, which is the day when Jupiter next turns Retrograde.
chart for 11th April 2019


Pluto is at 28 deg Vedic Sagittarius; Ketu the South Node of the Moon is at 28 deg Vedic Sagittarius and Saturn is at 26 deg Sagittarius.
I am particularly interested in this, personally, because on 1st April 2019, this KetuPlutoSaturn conjunction will exactly square my natal Moon.

In the chart for 11th April 2019, note that Pluto and Ketu are in UttaraAshadha Nakshatra. Pluto is at the end of Vedic Sagittarius. Ketu/South Node having nearly completed his retrograde transit through Capricorn.
And note also that Saturn is in PurvaAshadha, near the end of Vedic Sagittarius.

The Ketu Saturn conjunction starts on 7th March 2019, when Ketu moves from Vedic Capricorn to Vedic Sagittarius, where Saturn and Pluto are already transiting. But note that on 23rd April, the Ketu Saturn conjucntion gets fiercer because Ketu joins Saturn in PurvaAshadha.

This Ketu-Saturn conjunction will strongly affect people; especially people with Sun, Moon or Lagna or other planets as well, in PurvaAshadha. Check out your chart!!! This is really important. If you have your key planets in Vedic Sagittarius or Vedic Capricorn, you will be heavilty affected by this (or planets opposite in Vedic Cancer or Gemini).

Even if you don’t have planets in these signs, note that this energy will heavily affect the area of your life denoted by the Houses that these signs are in your Vedic birth chart.

And if you have Moon in Vedic Scorpio, Sagittarius or Vedic Capricorn, note that you are in Sade Sate as well. I do advise you get a reading from me so as to identify what you must let go of and what you must embrace at this time.

People with planets in Vedic Sagittarius, especially if those planets are in PurvaAshadha and UttaraAshadha need to hear this, assess their lives. Review what their options are.

And this is true, too, for people with planets opposite, in Vedic Gemini (the Mrigashira / Ardra Nakshatra people).

It’s big, huge, serious stuff in our lives. Absolutely: get a reading from me if this applies to you: www.starwheelastrology.com/buyanastrologyreading

Let’s look at the nature of the planets involved in this gathering conjucntion of Pluto, Saturn and Ketu:

Ketu South Node:
Ketu’s spiritual aim is to get us to achieve our truth and enlightenment and spiritual awareness, truth-searcher Ketu dissolves and melts down often with horrific suddenness. Ketu can produce fear and illusion – or psychism, here, sudden events and accidents, mysterious health issues and illnesses.

Saturn, Lord of Karma:
Saturn demands hard work, structure, focus, patience, endurance and enforced learning these life-time’s karmas, responsibility. Often when there’s the Ketu-Saturn combination, people embrace the spiritual right career for them that they’ve ignored all along, or their wrong career crashes because its useless now.

And Pluto’s there too!!!! Saturn Pluto is a formidable combination. At its best it is the container for atomic change, it is the firm-held strategy with explosive potential. It can however be too controlling.

The Ketu-Saturn conjunction mystic call produces self-doubt. Or at a lower level, wrong structures are struck by earthquake.

This Ketu-Saturn-Pluto stellium must not be ignored! If your chart has planets there, or in opposition, then you seriously need to address this. Contact me for a Reading.

Do check out what house (area of your life) this stellium falls in, in your Vedic birth chart.

Ask these questions:

Is Saturn your current Dasa Lord? Check out whether Saturn is your Dasa Lord. Dasas are the magnificently powerful system of Vedic predictive periods that unfold from birth.

Is your natal Moon in Vedic Scorpio, Sagittarius or Capricorn? i.e. check if you are in Sade Sate (when Saturn transits through the sign before your Moon’s sign, the sign occupied by your Moon and the sign after that). The influence of Ketu and Pluto on Saturn in your life will be all the more powerful.

Is Your natal Sun in PurvaAshadha/Vedic Sagittarius?
And definitely check out if your Sun is in PurvaAshadha or Vedic Sagittarius: Saturn transiting conjunct the Sun in your birth chart is serious business. The Saturn conjunct Sun transit means either Professional Downfall OR Golden Reaping. Which it is all depends on how well you are on course for manifesting your Sun’s individual qualities in this life, and depends also on how well you are honouring the demands of Lord Shani, Lord of Karma, that you be diligent, patient, ethical and do the needed hard work in this life! on whether you are burning your negative karmas or developing your expression of your positive karmas and the special spark you incarnated this time to express (and overcome any of the inbuilt karmic blocks to that expression).

And don’t forget the effect of Mars on all this:
Add in the fact of Mars Aspect to all this: Note that Mars is casting a hostile energy 10th House aspect on this Saturn-Ketu-Pluto in Vedic Sagittarius conjunction, all while Mars transits Pisces from 23rd December to 5th February 2019, and, importantly: then again, a hostile energy 8th house aspect from his transit in Vedic Taurus 22nd March 2019 to 6th May 2019

Lunations are so important to be aware of in our life: when they are, where they are in the signs, and what they will mean for our mind.

New Moon:
There’s a New Moon on 7th December 2018 This is at 21 Vedic Scorpio, in Jyestha Nakshatra. Note that the transiting Mars conjunct Neptune is square this New Moon. So it does have real intuitive potential. Work out what your Truth is.
Eradicate influences for Deception or delusion in your life: these are the other side of the Mars-Neptune conjunction. The Mars Neptune conjunction is actually in Shatabishak Nakshatra. The downside of this is that people with Lagna or Moon in Shatabishak may fall prone to hissy-fits, but the positive side is the directed intuitive inspirational energy while this brief transiting conjunction lasts.

And actually, the energy of Mars is powerful, and so therefore is the effect of Neptune at the time of this New Moon. This is because Mars is the Lord (or Dispositor) of the signs occupied by the New Moon, and by Mercury, and by Jupiter, both in Vedic Scorpio – and by revolutionary inspirational lightning-bearer, Uranus, transiting in early Vedic Aries, now.

Remember, Moon is Debilitated in Vedic Scorpio. You’ll need to watch your mind!
And then, after the Moon’a passage through Scorpio, the Moon transits over Saturn, Pluto, Ketu, Neptune and then Mars, so, yes, we must be aware of paranoias and vulnerabilities and destabilizations of our minds, during this transiting Moon period, which lasts until 16th December. during this period, Moon not only transits the Gandanta zone from Vedic Scorpio to Vedic Sagittarius, Moon also transits through a string of malefic planets, thus destabiing our minds:
Moon conjunct transiting Saturn 8th December.
Moon conjunct transiting Pluto on 9th December.
Moon conjunct transiting Ketu on 10th December.
Moon conjunct transiting Neptune in Shatabishak on 14th December.
Moon conjunct transiting Mars on 15th December.

Be careful not to let unreasonable or ranting people drive you into retaliation, or leave you doing OCD mental repetitions at the injustice of their verbal attacks.
NOTE: This December 2018 New Moon at 15 deg western Sagittarius.

Full Moon:
There’s a Full Moon on 22nd December 2018 with Moon at 6 deg Vedic Gemini in Ardra Nakshatra, Sun at 6 deg Vedic Sagittarius in Mula Nakshatra.
Ardra is an implacable tunnel-visioned energy. It’s ruled by Rahu. Not the easiest place for Full Moon!

Watch out for the effect of Full Moon energies. You have been warned! If you are on course spiritually and psychologically, they can be liberating if they fall on one of your natal planets. But otherwise: hissy fits and lunacy!
This is Full Moon at 0 deg western Cancer and Sun at 0 western Capricorn.
See my Full Moon Video (recorded regarding the November 2018 Full Moon, but with key guidance applying to the way we handle all Full Moons):

Mercury started December Retrograde
Mercury is Retrograde until December 8th: Have you too had agonising communication hitches and misunderstandings? Google ‘upgraded’ my Gmail: losing all my bookmarks!
In the Vedic Sidereal Zodiac, that’s Mercury’s  start December at 4 Scorpio, then turn direct at 3 Scorpio on December 8th, and Mercury will end the month at 29 Scorpio (in the gandanta).

All the while Mercury is transiting (and at time retrograde) in Scorpio, Mercury receives an aspect from Rahu transiting in Cancer. Not a recipe for clear, easy communication!!! It’s a close aspect that Mercury received from Rahu until December 12th. There could be some very ranted communications!
(In the western zodiac, that’s Mercury transits from 0 western Sagittarius on 1st December to 27 Western Scorpio on 8th December when he turned direct and Mercury ends December at 22 Western Sagittarius).

Venus transits from 5 – 29 deg Vedic Libra in December. This month is Venus’ last days in his exceptionally long 2018 transit in Vedic libra, his own sign, where he brings ease, affection and beauty; comfort and happiness. Smiles. Socialising, diplomacy and art. I have Sun in Vedic Libra. We’re such nice guys! (Well, that’s my story!)

This gives relationship happiness opportunity to Vedic Aries people, and is good for happiness for people with emphasis in Vedic Cancer, and cheers Career for Vedic Capricorn emphasis people: in other words, the Venus transit in angular (Kendra) sign 7, and this resonates with Cardinal signs 1, 4 and 10 as well. Malavya yoga is caused by Shukra/Venus) occupying a Kendra, in own or exaltation rasi. It’s Malavya Yoga: ‘A (person) born in Malavya yoga is possessed of beautiful lips, a thin waist and is of moon like (splendorous) complexion. He emanates a good smell, is somewhat fair, of medium structure and possessed of beautiful and clean teeth…’

Mars transits from 16 deg Vedic Aquarius to 5 deg Vedic Pisces in December 2018. Mars will be free of the rulership of Saturn, at last, on 23rd December when he enters Vedic Pisces! Goodness, what a driven experience the Mars transit in Vedic Capricorn was, with Ketu there as well. What intensity!

So, Mars will actually transit Vedic Pisces from 23rd December to 5th February, and given that Jupiter is at this time transiting in Vedic Scorpio, ruled by Mars, this creates Parivatana Yoga:
Mars in Jupiter-ruled sign; Jupiter in Mars-ruled sign. This gives strength to the two planets, Mars and Jupiter.

But be careful what House the yoga planets fall in in your chart.
I have Vedic Cancer Lagna, so this Mars/Jupiter exchange is good in my life, as the planets concerned are in the 5th and 9th signs in my chart: Scorpio and Pisces.
But if you have Leo ascendant in your Vedic birth chart, be careful. This is because Jupiter is in 8th House from Leo, and the exchange creates loss-making power for the yoga: Dainya Yoga, for Leo Lagnas.
For Libra Risers, Mars is transiting in 6th House: hard work can be achieved, but there will be tensions, even enemies.
Get a Reading for me and I will predict what thsi transit means for you, alongside all your other predictive indicators.

Jupiter transits from 11 – 17 deg Vedic Scorpio in December. This is so good for writing, with Mercury also there in Vedic Scorpio, even though the Mercury Retrograde which ends December 8th 2018, will bring up its usual demands!!!! And this Jupiter and Mercury transit through Scorpio is not just good for writing, it’s good for penetrating awareness: Jupiter and Mercury in Mars’ water sign Jupiter! I am loving the energy. Scorpio’s my 5th House of Creativity. My latest novel’s going great! Really great!! And also there’s the Venus in Libra energy flowing balm into creative writing at this time too. And there’s Music as well! I have even been invited to read my poems at a regular music event in nearby Sligo, which as you may know is the multi-ethnic inspirational culture capital of Ireland!

Nodes of the Moon change Sign:
Note that the Nodes of the Moon, always Retrograde, change signs on 7th March 2019.
It’s really important to be aware that the nodes (always retrograde) change sign on 7th March. Rahu leaves Vedic Cancer and enters Vedic Gemini. Ketu leaves Vedic Capricorn and enters Vedic Sagittarius to join Saturn and Pluto (see above). So Rahu has been transiting my first house Cancer making me ambitious and driven, but when Rahu enters my 12th Hosue Gemini on March 7th for his 18 months per sign transit, the energy I will have to deal with in my life will be very different. I expect it to be visionary emphasis.

Ketu (South Node) is transiting through is transiting through Vedic Capricorn. It has been so powerful when it was transiting in Capricorn because Mars was there for a long time as well. Phew!
But now transiting Mars is in Vedic Aquarius, but the point is, that that means that Ketu in Capricorn is actually hemmed in by malefics: Ketu has Mars in Aquarius on one side, and Ketu has Saturn in Sagittarius on the other side.  This is Papakartari Yoga. It will be hard for us to feel steady when Ketu is hemmed in by malefics, which is the case until Mars enters Vedic Pisces on 23rd December.
With Ketu having been transiting Vedic Uttarashadha, some of the people with key planets in UttaraAshadha are having spiritual awakenings, but people with Uttarashadha emphasis can find it hard to accommodate Ketu’s inspiration and realisations. This is because Uttarashadha people are often fixed, often self-orientated, often with directed mind-set and patterns. Ketu moves from UttaraAshadha to PurvaAshadha on 9th May 2019. And of course the planetary climate in PurvaAshadha becomes utterly extreme, with Pluto and Saturn also there, see above.

Rahu is transiting through Vedic Cancer. So, if you have ascendant or Sun in Vedic Cancer, your default will be driven ambition to express yourself, whatever else may be going on from the transits and your Dasha (Vedic predictive Period) at this time that may be bringing very different things in other areas of your life.
The Nodes cast 1,5,9 aspects to the Houses other than the one they occupy. So this means Rahu will be affecting the other water signs as well: Scorpio and Pisces, with his ambition, with his over-drive.
Note that Rahu moves from Pushyami Nakshatra to Punarvasu Nakshatra, on 3rd January 2019.

Chiron transits all December 2018 at a standstill, and so is very powerful in the lives of those of us who have natal planets aspected by Chiron at this time, and to the area of life denoted by the House in our birth chart that Chiron is now transiting standstill in.
This is 4 deg Vedic Pisces.
In western tropical zodiac, Chiron is at 28 western Pisces retrograde.
Chiron turns direct on 15th December.
Chiron ends December conjunct Mars in the Heavens. So babies born at this time will have the powerful script to heal: their existential wound will be Chiron conjunct Mars.

Sun enters Vedic Sagittarius on 15th December 2018, and leaves Vedic Sagittarius to enter Vedic Capricorn on 14th January.
Note that Sun will thus be entering the Ketu-Saturn-Pluto minefield (or re-birth area!) see above for the details of this.

You can book an Astrology Reading with me at: www.starwheelastrology.com/buyanastrologyreading
Or you can enrol on one of my courses at: www.mastervedicastrology.com
www.nakshatrasadvancedcourse.com     www.advancedvedicastrologycourse.com     www.enlightenedastrologycourse.com
And Maggie Pashley, offers a range of Healing modalities worldwide. See her website for healings: https://maggiepashley.com/

Ephemeris Vedic December 2018:
Ephemeris Vedic December 2018


Ephemeris Western December 2018:
Ephemeris Western December 2018














Visit our Online Shop and Explore the Range of Astrology Readings and Astrology Courses we have on Offer:

The post Astrology and Healing Newsletter December 2018: Soul Realignment appeared first on StarWheel Astrology Blog.

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Author: Michael Conneely

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A Tendency Towards Violence Could Be In Your Blood, Scientists Reveal

In Japan, there is a commonly held if bizarre belief that your blood type can determine your personality. Type As are, apparently, anxiety-ridden perfectionists who crave order and are prone to extreme fretting, whereas Bs are passionate creatives with a selfish tendency. Os, on the other hand, are confident and friendly but can be unpredictable and aggressive, while ABs are just eccentric.

The theory is so widespread, there are blood type horoscopes, blood type dating agencies, and even blood type chewing gum. Some employers may go so far as to ask prospective employees what blood type they are.

Of course, this is bullshit. Much like the alignment of stars on your birthday, your particular blood type has very little to do with your character traits. There is, however, at least one aspect of your personality that may be determined by the structure of your blood and that is your propensity to violence. A study recently published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences analyzed the behavior of mice injected with the blood of violent criminals – and found that the new blood really did make the animals more aggressive.

It could all come down to a particular protein involved in the production of cortisol, which regulates the body’s response to stress.

After noticing differences in the blood composition between violent aggressors and healthy controls (i.e. those with no criminal records and a steady job), researchers from Akershus University Hospital in Norway siphoned antibodies from 16 prisoners who, with the exception of one, were in the middle of serving long-term sentences in high-security prisons having committed extremely violent crimes, including rape and murder. These antibodies were then injected into mice.

The transfusion transformed the otherwise healthy mice into aggressive antagonists, who were far quicker to engage in violence against other mice – in fact, they were four times quicker to jump on “intruders”.  

“The resident would attack the mouse very fast,” Sergueï Fetissov, the project’s lead researcher, told The Times. “The antibodies may predispose people to aggressive behavior.”

This is a small-scale study so more research is needed to confirm the researchers’ findings and work out why exactly someone’s blood might make them more aggressive. As the researchers also point out, there may, in fact, be many people with the same variation in blood structure who do not display such aggressive behavior.

Yet, it does help explain some of the “mechanisms” behind criminality and may eventually lead to a “cure” to fix violent behavior, even if that does sound a little Clockwork Orange.

Read more: http://www.iflscience.com/health-and-medicine/a-tendency-towards-violence-could-be-in-your-blood-scientists-reveal/

New Moon December 2018 Inspirational or Angry? Don’t make this a Werewolf Moon

New Moon December 2018 Inspirational or Angry? Don’t make this a Werewolf Moon

Michael Conneely

There’s a New Moon on 7th December 2018.

This is at 21 Vedic Scorpio, in Jyestha Nakshatra.
And this December New Moon at 15 deg western Sagittarius.
The chart is below in both Vedic and Western Astrology.

And because the New Moon is in Vedic Scorpio, it’s pretty investigative and intuitive, but because it’s in Scorpio, there presence of deep hurt feelings, and even anger.

But it’s also potentially pretty inspirational or even visionary.

Note also that there is a transiting Mars Neptune conjunction that is square this New Moon.
So This New Moon does have real intuitive potential.
It offers you the chance to work out what your Truth is.
Express your Truth:

And it gives you the opportunity to eradicate influences for Deception or delusion in your life.

But the other side of the Mars-Neptune conjunction is deception, illusion, alcohol etc. So, best to cultivate the positive side of thsi conjunction that strongly affects your New Moon!

The Mars Neptune conjunction is actually in Shatabishak Nakshatra. The downside of this is that people with Lagna (Ascendant) or Moon in Shatabishak may fall prone to hissy-fits because Shatabishak is ruled by Rahu/North Node.

But the positive side is the directed intuitive inspirational energy while this brief transiting conjunction lasts, and its definite link to Healing.

And actually, the energy of Mars, now, is very powerful, and so therefore is the effect of Neptune at the time of this New Moon. This is because Mars is the Lord (or Dispositor) of the Vedic Scorpio, the sign occupied by this New Moon, and Scorpio is also occupied by Mercury, by Jupiter – and also Mars is electrified and stronger because by revolutionary inspirational lightning-bearer, Uranus, is transiting in Vedic Aries, the other Vedic sign that Mars rules.

BUT, remember, Moon’s Debilitated in Vedic Scorpio. You’ll need to watch your mind!
And then it doesn’t get any better, because the Moon then transits over a string of malefic planets in the heavens, one after the other: Saturn, Pluto, Ketu, Neptune and then Mars:
So from December 7th to 14th, we must be aware of negative mind-plays, rages, outbursts, paranoias, vulnerabilities and destabilizations, during this transiting Moon period as follows:
Moon enters the Vedic Scorpio to Sagittarius Gandanta Zone at 18.00 hrs on 7th December (Irish Time) – until 08.20 hrs on 8th December.
Moon conjunct transiting Saturn 8th December.
Moon conjunct transiting Pluto on 9th December.
Moon conjunct transiting Ketu on 10th December.
Moon conjunct transiting Neptune in Shatabishak Nakshatra on 14th December.
Moon conjunct transiting Mars on 15th December.

Be careful not to let unreasonable or ranting people drive you into retaliation, or let them leave you doing OCD mental repetitions at the injustice of their verbal attacks.

Note that Lunations (New and Full Moons) are so important to be aware of in our life: when they are, where they are in the signs, and what they will mean for our mind.

Don’t make this a Werewolf New Moon. These challenges are here to offer us the chance to grow spiritually, and can be an opportunity for us to move along the road to achieving our incarnational destiny this time.

You can book an Astrology Reading with me at: https://www.starwheelastrology.com/buyanastrologyreading.html
Or you can enrol on one of my courses at: www.mastervedicastrology.com
www.nakshatrasadvancedcourse.com      www.advancedvedicastrologycourse.com 
And Maggie Pashley, offers a range of Healing modalities worldwide. See her website for healings: https://maggiepashley.com/

Here’s a Video I made about not letting New Moons and Full Moons turn you into a Werewolf:

Here is the Vedic Chart for the December 2018 New Moon Sidereal Zodiac):

And here is the Western Chart (Tropical Zodiac):

The post New Moon December 2018 Inspirational or Angry? Don’t make this a Werewolf Moon appeared first on StarWheel Astrology Blog.

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Author: Michael Conneely

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Astrologer Jonathan Cainer: Daily Mail horoscope writer dies – BBC News

Astrologer Jonathan Cainer: Daily Mail horoscope writer dies – BBC News

Image copyright Jonathan Cainer

The Daily Mail’s horoscope writer Jonathan Cainer has died aged 58.

The Mail said Cainer was “quite simply, Britain’s greatest astrologer” and that his death was a “tragedy”.

Cainer was the newspaper’s astrologer from 1992 to 2000, returning to write the column again from 2004. His horoscopes were translated into Japanese, Spanish, Italian and Chinese.

The Mail said Cainer had died from a suspected heart attack but that this had not been confirmed.

‘Heartfelt condolences’

A Daily Mail spokesman said: “A much-loved contributor to the Daily Mail for 20 years, his wisdom and compassion were unmatched.

“Millions of readers couldn’t start the day without him – and would end it marvelling at the uncanny accuracy of his forecasts.

“It’s an absolute tragedy that Jonathan has passed away at such a young age and we have no doubt his countless fans will join us in expressing heartfelt condolences to his family. “

A statement on Cainer’s website said: “‘Didn’t he see it coming?’ is a question that will inevitably be asked. Jonathan was always adamant that astrologers should not look to predict the time of a person’s demise.

“He said there was the danger of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

“But he was well aware that one day he might not be physically present to supply the predictions that so many people rely on.”

The statement also said Cainer had already written a number of forecasts and predictions, which would be published in future.

Cainer’s own Sagittarian horoscope for Monday was “uncannily prescient”, the statement added.

He had written: “We aren’t here for long. We should make the most of every moment. We all understand this yet don’t we forget it, many times? We get caught up in missions, battles and desires. We imagine that we have forever and a day.

“In one way, we may be right – for are we not eternal spirits, temporarily residing in finite physical form?”

Astrological study

The former nightclub manager was married and had eight children from several relationships.

He got his first astrology column in 1986 with the now-closed Today newspaper.

He also worked at the Daily Express and the Daily Mirror, but was best known for his Daily Mail columns.

Cainer was born in Surbiton, Surrey, in 1957 and had six brothers and sisters.

He left school at 15 without qualifications, first working as a petrol pump attendant before later moving to the United States in the 1980s to manage both a nightclub and his brother’s musical career.

Upon his return to the UK, he studied at the Faculty of Astrological Studies in London before embarking upon his newspaper career.

His newspaper columns, phone lines and website meant his work became followed by people in many different countries.

According to the Daily Mail, he employed 30 people as a support team for his business, which had a reported annual turnover of some 2m.

Read more: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-36186391

Youngest Class Members At Greatest Risk Of ADHD Over-Diagnosis

Being among the youngest children in a school class increases the chance of being medicated for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Although the study reporting this is the fifth to produce similar results, it is the first in the southern hemisphere. This rules out seasonal effects, and supports theories of over-medication.

Three previous studies in the United States and one in Taiwanhave found that children born just in time to make it into a school year are more likely to be diagnosed with ADHD.

When all the studies were undertaken in thenorthern hemisphere, the possibility remained that some common factor was skewing the results, although the fact that the US and Taiwan have different cut-off dates for school entry probably disappointed astrology fans. In Australia, however, the school year starts in January and the annual cutoff for entry is a birthday before June 30.

Dr Martin Whitely of Curtin University obtained birth dates for children prescribed ADHD medication. Whitely discovered differences between the Australian states. In some, children who are legally old enough to go to school are frequently held back a year by their parents. However, in Western Australia (where Whitely was once a member of parliament), 98 percent of children start school in the first year they are allowed to, making the data easier to analyze.

In the Medical Journal of Australia, Whitely reports that Western Australian children aged 6-10 who were born in June were twice as likely to be medicated for ADHD as those born in July, and therefore among the older members of their class. The effect is weaker for older children.

Whitely told IFLScience: The paper looked at numbers, we can only hypothesize about the causes. However, he noted that teachers provide crucial information that informs diagnoses and may mistake age-related immaturity for a neurological condition.

Although it is theoretically possible children born in July are being under-diagnosed, Whitely thinks it far more likely that over-diagnosis is widespread, and worst among the June births.

Interestingly, while the overall rate of medication in Western Australia was much lower at 1.9 percent than in American studies (2.6-5.8 percent), the ratio between the oldest and youngest students was very similar in all cases.

Two further lines of research interest Whitely. He’s keen to study whether other states’ culture of delaying the start to school for many younger children changes things. Increased flexibility should provide protection for the children held back, he told IFLScience, but it creates a wider age range in a class and may actually make the birthday effect stronger for those who do start early. He also wants more investigation into the long-term effects of ADHD medication, something he has fought against for many years.

Read more: http://www.iflscience.com/brain/youngest-class-members-at-greatest-risk-of-adhd-overdiagnosis/

4 fascinating things to know about the cool new galaxy Hubble just spotted.

4 fascinating things to know about the cool new galaxy Hubble just spotted.

On April 29, 2016, NASA announced it discovered something incredible “hiding in the night sky.”

Hanging out just over 110 million light-years away is UGC 477 the latest galaxy spotted by Hubble Space Telescope.

Photo by ESA/Hubble & NASA. Acknowledgement: Judy Schmidt.

UGC 477 isn’t just any old galaxy. It could serve as an invaluable learning tool for NASA in the years ahead especially when it comes to solving one of the great mysteries of our universe.

Here are four fascinating tidbits you should know about our new galactic (very distant) neighbor, UGC 477:

1. UGC 477 is in the constellation Pisces.

Are you one of those compassionate, gentle souls born between Feb. 19 and March 20? Well UGC 477 might have a special place in your Pisces heart, seeing as it calls the fish-inspired constellation home.

An artist’s illustration of Pisces, one of the largest constellations in our night sky. Photo via iStock.

The constellation Pisces is big the 14th largest constellation of the 88 in our sky but it can be surprisingly easy to miss. The space objects that comprise Pisces generally aren’t all that bright, so UGC 477 actually fits in perfectly there.

2. It’s amazing we even spotted UGC 477 because galaxies like UGC 477 are very difficult to spot.

Because it’s a low surface brightness galaxy (LSB) a concept first proposed by astrophysicist Mike Disney back in 1976 UGC 477’s matter is diffused over a large area, unlike our own galaxy, the Milky Way.

This epic photo, taken in Afghanistan in 2011, captured the Milky Way in all of its glory. Photo by Dmitry Kostyukov/AFP/Getty Images.

Because of its more diffused state, galaxies like UGC 477 have surface brightness up to 250 times fainter than the night sky. This, of course, makes them “incredibly difficult to detect,” NASA notes.

3. You won’t find too many stars in UGC 477, relatively speaking.

Unlike many other galaxies, the centers of LSBs aren’t filled with stars. Instead, you’ll find lots of hydrogen gas.

This gorgeous shot, taken in 2002, shows a cold, dark hydrogen cloud cradling newly formed stars in the constellation Sagittarius. Photo via NASA/Getty Images.

LSB galaxies typically hang out far away from other galaxy clusters. Because of this, one theory suggests that the matter within these galaxies has had less galactic interactions with other spatial bodies, and those interactions are what cause high rates of star formation.

4. UGC 477 may be a great learning tool for NASA in the years ahead because it appears to hold a ton of mysterious dark matter.

UGC 477 appears “to be dominated by dark matter,” according to NASA. And that means it’s an excellent spatial object for study to get a better understanding of the somewhat spooky-sounding substance.

Nobel Prize winner George F. Smoot strikes a pose in front of the Planck telescope flight model, which studies dark matter and radiation from the Big Bang. Photo by ESA/S. Corvaja via Getty Images.

As NASA explained, we know much more about what dark matter is not than what it actually is. The elusive matter isn’t visible in the form of, say, stars or planets but makes up an estimated 27% of our universe. (Seriously, dark matter is super weird.)

UGC 477 is just the latest feather in Hubble’s huge cap.

The telescope has long been a reliable source for space nerds everywhere, bringing jaw-dropping imagery and game-changing data to our computer screens. But it seems like recently Hubble’s been especially killing it from those mind-boggling images from our galactic neighbor Andromeda to uncovering the truth behind a massive star collision happening 230 million light-years away.

Now, we’ve spotted a hidden gem that may help us unlock some of the biggest mysteries our universe has in store.

Thanks, Hubble (we owe you one).

Photo by AFP/Getty Images.

Read more: http://www.upworthy.com/4-fascinating-things-to-know-about-the-cool-new-galaxy-hubble-just-spotted?c=tpstream

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